One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Good boy 😂😂
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”