Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
The pasta is now
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.