DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.