“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.