I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Only a mother’s love …
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Chemical wingman
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it