ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
True.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I love the National Park Service.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
translated into Canadian
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.