ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
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It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?