who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me too
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.