[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.