I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I enjoy a good short stor
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Wise advice
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”