Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
You Might Also Like
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
What do you hear?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”