If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.