The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My patience has stretch marks.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
mmm onion ringos
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.