Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
X-tra spooky blend
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.