[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
You Might Also Like
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
CUTE CAT‼︎
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more