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As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda