Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
They’re the worst 😩
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
This is a whole mood;
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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