“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.