I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.