My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard