Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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I think this cat is broken
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My typo game is string.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.