Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
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“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.