NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Your honor these allegations are
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.