One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
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I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
hear me out : pockets for your socks
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Lassie, get help!
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
just got my engagement photos
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.