[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I beg your pardon?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: