Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
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This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
first you must answer his riddles
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
is this a warning or an offer?
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.