i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?