HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
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*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother