The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
That took me a moment.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
When your man makes a valid point
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.