Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment