Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that