My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
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I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*