I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
You Might Also Like
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.