My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I unironically love this joke.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Husband of the year 😂
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB