I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
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OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
what could possibly go wrong?
But that’s none of my business
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
WHO DID THIS?
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.