I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
what the
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now