My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
SPLOOT
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
uncle dave has been through hell
Good boy 😂😂
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.