me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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the saddest jazz hands ever
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?