My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
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wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Miscakes
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
What if the weather talks about us?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me