The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.