Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
You Might Also Like
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
screw you
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
and this one
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each