Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
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The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
pls suprot
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.