[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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Skills
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
uh oh
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.