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Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.