when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.