On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Taliband
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…