“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.