People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three