Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My dad is at it again
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Beards are a privilege, not a right
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My patience has stretch marks.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service