“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”